///Honest Love: I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

Honest Love: I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

By |2018-05-12T10:12:58+00:00May 12th, 2018|Categories: Success Principles|Comments Off on Honest Love: I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

Dear Scorpion,

A long time ago a Greek slave named Aesop wrote a book of fables.

A fable is different from a fairy tale in that a fairy tale has a transformation, a surprise.

Cinderella the cinder slut (yes a slut is the girl who cleans the cinders from the stove) transforms into a beautiful princess by virtue of her fairy godmother.

Sleeping beauty is transformed by the prince’s kiss.

The little mermaid is given legs to walk on land and voice to speak to her prince.

There is always a twist in a fairy tail, but in a fable, things are exactly as they seem.

Much like in chess, a pawn is a pawn, a knight is a knight, a king is a king: There is no twist.

In Aesop’s fables, one of the most famous stories is the Scorpion and the Frog…

There once was a scorpion who wished to cross a river. As Scorpion, she could not swim.

Nearby there was a frog and the Scorpion called out to the frog “Frog, O Frog, won’t you help me cross the river?”

The frog replied “No, you are a scorpion and if I carry you on my back, you will sting me, I will die and we will both drown.”

The scorpion said in her most persuasive tone “I promise I won’t sting you Frog, please just carry me on your back”

The frog finally agreed and the Scorpion climbed onto the Frog’s back.

The Frog began to swim across the water with the Scorpion perched upon his back.

Halfway across the water, the frog felt a sharp sting in the middle of his spine and realized what the Scorpion had done.

“O scorpion, O scorpion, Why have you stung me?” Cried out the frog as his body entered a paralysis and he started to drown in the river.

“Because it is in my nature” replied the Scorpion softly and they both drowned together in a watery grave.

I have always been in love with the scorpion.

Since I was a young boy and we studied spiders in science class, I would always marvel at the viscous and dangerous looking scorpion.

Black, shiny, armored, claws, with a pointed, barbarous, venomous tip on it’s tail. The scorpion could grab and it could sting. It seemed to be the most dangerous animal I could find and I was enamored with the Scorpion.

As I grew older and started dating, I again became obsessed with the Scorpion in a different way. I am a Cancer-born child, born in July and according to Astrology, one of the most passionate and sexual matches for a Cancer (like me) is a Scorpion.

I have always marveled at the Scorpion, the power of the scorpion, the mystery of the Scorpion and as a young man in the dating world, I hunted for passion of the Scorpion.

I wanted nothing more than to experience the ultimate sexual ecstacy of the Scorpion, the woman whose Sacral chakra and her loins were the most erotic and sensitive part of her body.

The scorpion who would sting and lash out when she was mad at me which worked well because as a Crab myself, I would retreat into my shell.

I also had an affinity, perhaps a fetish for red hair.

I’m not sure where my fetish for red hair came from, perhaps it was my first baby sitter who had green eyes, red hair and freckles… a look that I love to this day.

Perhaps it was my Scandinavian blood or Scottish blood that courses through my veins that is looking to breed with an Irish redhead which I believe to be the most attractive woman in the world. Something in me is pre-dispossessed to red hair and scorpions.

Lastly, my first girlfriend in high school had a gap in her two front teeth. She was a very sexual girl who especially loved oral sex. In her medieval literature class in first year university, her professor announced to the class that in medieval times a gap tooth woman was a bit of a whore and sometimes a witch who would even be burned at the stake. Suddenly, the girl sitting in front of my girlfriend turned around like an owl with a stooped jaw of disbelief and stared at my girlfriend’s gap teeth. Her demon possessed sexual-stigma gap teeth…

The unholy trinity of the scorpion, red hair and the gap tooth is something that should not exist in nature. If there is something that can kill and ruin men, it’s a red haired, scorpion woman with a gap in her two front teeth, a sex demon sent from hell to suck your soul out of your penis.

They had a word for a woman like that, it was a succubus. A sex demon of the female sort sent to ravish you in every way and steal your life force.

But I have an affinity for danger and an affinity for red hair so often times late at night, I try to find God by staring into the mouth of hell.

In the emptiness of my life, in the void, in the black hole, the abyss, I try to find God by staring into a computer screen late at night or staring into the white glass of my iPhone.

“Where are you God?”

“Not here” says the abyss.

I had a slew of failed long term relationships that started with infatuation and lead to a broken heart and into the darkness of the abyss…

The first one in high school was a 2 year relationship with a good girl from a good family. A girl from the country, her dad owned a farm and she had the second highest marks in school. A real great girl that I had no reason to break up with other than my mother was getting divorced and she suggested I “try someone else”. So I broke up with her.

Saying goodbye to my girlfriend broke my heart and I was alone for a few years until I met my next flame. My middle school friend’s forbidden cousin: In 9th grade I used to tease my friend Jamie that “Jamie has a hot cousin”. Jamie’s cousin was hot, she had a face that was unforgettable and I’ll never forget staring at her across the room during the inter-school jazz band class that brought her school and my school together. “Jamie has a hot cousin” I teased, but not too much because Jamie had beaten the shit out of a few kids and you didn’t want to fuck with him. He gave this one guy a bloody nose and it sent everyone else a gangster message – don’t fuck with Jamie, he was strong. Years later, I dated Jamie’s cousin, she found me at a Jazz club and introduced herself by saying “Hey, I’m Jamie’s cousin!”… Jamie’s hot cousin was my flame for two years until the relationship fizzled, my life went into business and work, hers stayed in the perpetuity of the never-ending university that some students subjugate themselves to. Later I found out that she cheated on my with a much older guy at the school, it broke my heart, but I forgave her.

I was alone with a broken heart for some time until I met Cherry. Cherry wasn’t her real name, but short for the nickname Cherryblossm that my private equity salesmen friends gave her. I met her when she was 16 and I was 23. She was this scrawny little redhead with glasses and big teeth that looked like chiclets. I was selling glow sticks on Canada day with a friend of mine and this little redhead was verbally beating on my fat friend and telling him he looked like “Andy Milonakis” a chubby little comedian with glasses that had a rare disease that made him look 12 years old even though he was in his 40’s. I told myself “don’t talk to that little redhead” and did my best to stay away, but before the night was over, I ended up giving her my business card. I went home and tried to add her on Facebook, but I couldn’t find her, she had a weird Polish name I couldn’t spell, but a few days later she added me. I couldn’t go out with a 16 year old, she was too young, so we just chatted. Then she turned 17 and we went out for tea. I thought she had a heart problem and a breathing problem, but she was actually just infatuated with me immediately, I was her first kiss, took her virginity and her father in a drunken stupor threatened me with a handgun that he placed to my chest. He was drunk and had vodka on his breath, I thought I would die, but I lived through it. I told her I couldn’t see her anymore, but we continued to see each other in secret for years. That relationship was the ultimate rollercoaster. We were together on and off for 4 years and eventually engaged, I bought a ring, a house, took her on 4 trips a year, to Disneyland and Disney World (in the same year), but at the end the wheels fell off the bus and I was heartbroken.

Years went by where I didn’t find a single girl I was truly interested in and then I met the unholy trinity…

The Scorpio, redhead, gap toothed woman cured by braces in Reno, Nevada.

Flying into Reno is like flying into the Bermuda triangle where planes and ships get wrecked, sink into the ocean and disappear forever without a trace.

The first time I flew to Reno it took me 6 planes, 36 hours, 1 night stay in a hotel and a bus, I showed up at the Reno airport pissed off and I still had to get a ticket to up to Lake Tahoe to get to my business conference.

There she was, working at the bus desk selling bus tickets to go up to Lake Tahoe… the unholy trinity. The scorpion.

I was infatuated with her the minute I saw her. She was 88 pounds, cute like a doll, and had gorgeous red hair down to her bum. She stood behind the desk and I tried to not seem interested.

Somehow I asked “If I gave you a book, would you read it?” as I was carrying a box of 48 books that I had written to a conference I was attending in the mountains.

She said “yes, of course” explained she was a student and studying business or something like that.

I had written a business book, so I gave it to her.

She mentioned she had a boyfriend somewhere in the conversation, so I added her on Facebook and went into the mountains, forgetting about her, but sending her a cordial message through the ether.

Months went by and we send little messages back and forth, nothing substantial, finally one day she posted a status needing help in Math class at her college.

I happened to tutor people in math years ago, so I reached out and we got on the phone. As soon as our voices connected on the phone, an electric chemistry began to take over. I loved her voice, apparently she loved mine and we started to talk every day.

I would call her and text her every day, finally around Christmas time, I flew to Reno to see her because I was in Phoenix on a conference – only one plane away.

I met her secretly at the Peppermill in Reno, a huge casino hotel she suggested, and I’m amazed she met me.

She could have been killed, raped, chopped up and stuffed in a dumpster, by a psycho killer that every woman thinks of before they meet a guy they hardly know on a date…

It was dangerous what she did. But she took the risk because what we felt for eachother was intense.

It was a chase and denial type of relationship, I would chase, she would deny.

She thought I was a robber baron, arriving to plunder honor her and ride off into the sunset. I was infatuated and wanted to be with her in a relationship.

We had a secret relationship for a year and a half. She kept me a secret, I wasn’t allowed to meet her family, her friends and she created a real web of lies to keep me a secret.

I understand why now, because the boyfriend she had when I met her, Drake, her professor, never went away. He was there the whole time.

Somehow I thought he disappeared, or they broke up, or it fizzled out, she had some half-baked story at some point about how it was over, but she was never sad or depressed about losing him.

The truth was, he never went away.

She would come meet me in hotel rooms all over Nevada, Vegas, Reno and even came to Canada to my house to have our love-sex weekend trysts and her boyfriend would be at home loyally waiting for her to return.

“What the fuck?!” I thought when I found out 3 years later that she still had the same old boyfriend.

I thought it was a joke or wrong information. But no, it wasn’t, Mr. Drake, her English professor, was still there, I really felt bad for him.

We had been sharing the same woman for years, I had been stirring his glue and we were swapping DNA… we were blood brothers now…

She let me down, she lied to me for 3 years, telling me she loved me but was committed to him the whole time.

She let Drake down, telling him she loved him and then would secretly come to me.

When I found out about Mr. Drake, I called her out… I texted her “how’s Drake?”

She didn’t deny it, she came clean and told me he was unhappy.

Apparently the guy was an alcoholic and a “project” she worked on. Women are always trying to save the most hopeless men.

She came clean with me, I called her on my phone and was angry with her. Not out of control angry, but angry out of love, like an older brother who had caught his sister drinking and driving.

I had been trying to build something with her for years, I wanted her to move in, maybe get married one day, maybe have a family, she was the only girl I really wanted.

I scolded her as someone who cared about her should have:

“You don’t live forever!”

“Your sister would slap your face”

“Your sister is 30 and trying to find a nice man and it’s hard when you are 30, I’m here now and you throw it away”

The rationale was no where to be found.

“Why him?” I asked referring to Drake who was clearly an inferior life partner compared to me who was established with real estate, money, business, and wasn’t an alcoholic. I wasn’t a “Fixer upper” or a project to clean up.

“He lives in Reno.” Was her cop-out reply.

Fuck me.

What a horrible response, convenience. Nothing good in life is ever convenient. Everything in a convenience store is bad for you and overpriced – that should be a clue on the virtue of conveience.

I talked to her on the phone for an hour and ten minutes. She cried; she wept. The guilt was eating her up from the inside-out. She made sounds I have never heard in my life, wailings combined with squeaks and squeals that I will probably never hear again in my life. Like the wicked witch from wizard of Oz melting or T-1000 in the terminator melting and trying to save himself from his molten and fiery death.

“it’s ok, I forgive you” I said into the telephone receiver. “I have been through this before… my ex-ex cheated on me in the exact way that you did with me and I forgave her on the spot. I’m not going to carry this with me for very long, I’m forgiving you.”

“But you shouldn’t” she cried, sobbing into the phone.

“Forgiveness is for me, not for you…” I replied.

Anger is like drinking a bottle of poison and hoping the other person will die. I already have enough problems in my life and don’t need grudges to carry around.

I told her she had to call two people:

1) Her sister who would likely disown her, but who could have prevented this whole mess and guided her better in life. Her sister was probably the one in the family with a moral compass.
2) Her boyfriend, Drake

I said “you can call them, or I will…”

She pleaded with me “This will ruin my life!”

She tried bargaining, then we ended the call.

She sent me a barrage of texts pleading, bargaining, trying to get out of the deal, but I had all the leverage.

Then my phone rang with another number from Reno, Nevada…

Who was this?

I answered the phone and ‘lo and behold it was her mother.

The mother who knew about me the whole time, refused to meet me, who knew about Drake, who knew the whole equation and somehow guided her daughter into this mess and somehow justified it with flexible morals.

The call from her mother was an odd warp of reality, she buttered me up, threatened me, flattered me, begged me, pleaded with me and bargained with me all at once. Her logic and morals were flexible, she was more charismatic than logically sound, and could bend her morality to benefit her daughter in doing no wrong. It was like that parent in junior high that would get pissed off at the school teachers when their kid ended up in detention. The attitude was “My daughter can do no wrong”

“She’s a child” she pleaded “don’t kill her or ruin her life”

“She’s 22 I replied, she can vote.”

We went back and forth a bit, the mother wanted me to take my leverage away and 1) not tell Drake and 2) not tell the sister.

The mother bargained with me “Give her three years, she will come back to you… When I was 18 I met my husband who was 24 years older than me, I needed some time, but I came back to him…”

What a twisted and sick bargain she was making.

Somehow, the tainted daughter, her little scorpion was somehow still desirable in this negotiation. But she knew how to pull my heartstrings. The mother was a master manipulator and a student of human nature…

I was mad at the Scorpion, but I still loved her, in some ways she could do me no wrong.

I saw no gain in crushing her life and letting her Drake know about what she had done. I had no relationship with the sister, so I decided to have mercy on her.

Although I had letters written to Drake to be mailed directly to him and to the sister, I called off my bombs and my missiles. What would I gain by sending them?

The answer is: nothing.

I forgave her, I let her go.

But my worst fears had become true.

When I was in love with the scorpion, I had two major fears in our sideways relationship:

One day she would come back to me years later and I would be in a different place and I would say “where were you when I needed you?” To take her back at that point would be weak on my part, but to let her go would be cruel because if you love someone let them go and they will return to you if it’s meant to be.

My second fear was that I would move on with some other woman and the Scorpion would haunt my dreams like “Jolene” in the song by Dolly Parton. “He talks about you in his sleep, there’s nothing I can do but keep from cryin’ when he calls your name Jolene”. I knew I talked to my scorpion in my sleep when I was with her, whispering “I love you, I love you, I love you” into her ear over and over again (I didn’t know this until she told me) and was deathly afraid of ending up with a “Jolene” haunting me for the rest of my days and in my next relationship.

Alas, in life we only get two things: That which we love and that which we fear.

My fear had manifested in front of my eyes, the girl innocent girl I could have was gone and now all I was left with was my two fears.

Would she become my “Jolene” haunting me? Or would she show up one day and I would forgive her again and perhaps rekindle the broken flame of what we once had?

I thought into the future into the mother’s bargain: “Give her 3 years, she will come back to you… As if this was some sick, twisted omen from this twisted mother who somehow allowed this twisted double-boyfriend relationship persist.”

Flexible morals, flexible values, flexible everything…

I had forgiven her, I gave to her, I loved her, I still loved her, and I wanted her to be ok. I had hurt her, but in truth, she hurt herself. I had confronted her on the phone about Drake while she was at work and she vomited and had to go home. Of course she would be sick to her stomach, this whole thing was a mess, 3 years of lies hitting her and me at the same time.

A 3 year shit-bomb exploding in our mutual faces all at once, she vomited and I cried about it.

Trent Reznor of Nine Inch nails wrote in the most honest love song of all time called “Hurt”:

What have I become, my sweetest friend?
Everyone I know, Goes away in the end,
And you can have it all, my empire of dirt,
I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

What she did, hurt me more than anything. Our entire relationship, our entire romance was based on a fundamental lie, and so was her other relationship. It was all lies, a house of cards, rotten to the core. Somehow her flexible morals had allowed her to live in the secret world of lies and her mother, knowingly, allowed the whole thing to persist.

“I will let you down, I will make you hurt”

The most honest words in love.

At some point, as humans, we all betray one another.

Just read Shakespeare, Aesop’s fables or the history of the Romans and the Greeks.

Betrayers betraying betrayers.

As humans, we are betrayers, but we are also lovers and forgivers.

I don’t know what to say to my Scorpion if she were to return to me in 3 year’s time, I will be in a vastly different place, have a different life, I imagine I will be better in every way, perhaps in a good, loving committed relationship and she could slither out of the shadows like the venomous predator that a Scorpion is.

Or perhaps I do see her in the future, forgive her for her trespasses and allow for something to grow out of the ashes of what we once had.

In the bible, Adam and Eve experience Paradise Lost. They live in the Garden of Eden, paradise and can eat from any tree, they are immortal, and when Eve eats from the tree, there is a loss of innocence, a loss of immortality and paradise is lost.

I have been in the situation where I have been cheated on before. My last 3 relationships (I suspect but do not have definitive proof on all of them) have all cheated on me, with a loss of innocence. I went through the pain and suffering with those women, I had to forgive them and live as broken people do in the world of flawed and imperfect human beings.

We are all flawed, the physical realm is imperfect, the spiritual realm is perfect.

My idea of the scorpion was perfect, the reality was imperfect as it always is.

To love, to give, to forgive and to love honestly is to understand that we are human that we will all betray – some knowing and some unknowing and innocent.

My 98 year old grandmother is still alive today, and her husband, my grandfather cheated on her with her best friend.

She used to say “I forgave him, but I never forgot”

If you live long enough, eventually everyone will betray you in some way or let you down… Even death itself is a betrayal, you are left behind while the dead leave you.

My grandmother and grandfather stayed married until he died and when he died he became a spiritual entity and perfect in every way.

My grandfather should have been named “St Harvey” because the spiritual realm perfected him and relieved him of his sins.

Miss Scorpion in my mind was perfect, the fantasy was perfect, the innocence was perfect, the reality was flawed.

When my parents divorced, my mother rejected my father and kicked him to the curb because he wasn’t good enough for her. For years after the divorce I had to hear her beat on him and his inadequacies. Even to this day, she will tell me how inadequate he is.

I wish he died instead of getting kicked down by my mother, then he would be perfect like “St Harvey” my grandfather and her father, who was a cheater and supposedly liked to drink alcohol a lot, but death perfected him.

So what will I do one day if the Miss Scorpion shows up at my door?

I don’t know, I don’t have the answer.

The romantic side of me wants to welcome her in my door, have a cup of tea, and pick up where we left off as if nothing happened and Drake never existed. It would be ideal to pick up as if the romance we had was pure, pure love, and innocent.

But in reality, I can forgive, but never forget like my grandmother did.

I can’t give her pure love, innocent love, but maybe I can give her honest love:

“I will let you down, I will make you hurt”

Maybe love that is more honest, a breaking point and a redemption is the true and real way to love.

She cried into the phone to me “I’m sorry, I will never, ever do this again.”

Who knows if she will or not? She wasn’t honest before, can she be honest now?

Once a liar always a liar, but then again, to really say you’re sorry is to never do it again.

Actions speak louder than words.

I won’t think of her like I used to, I won’t call her anymore, I won’t text her anymore.

I won’t send her flowers anymore, or little rings she wanted, or hand written letters of love.

Instead I’ll do nothing.

Let her cool off like her mother with flexible morals suggests and maybe one day we can have honest love – whatever that means:

“I will let you down, I will make you hurt”

To be broken as Adam and Eve were in the garden when they were cast out into the infertile soil to work the barren earth for food, is to be human.

Eve was innocent, pure and perfect but she threw it all away to the Serpent, to Satan, to temptation.

Was I the serpent? Or was Drake the serpent? It depends on which vantage point you look at this Shakespearean love triangle from.

What I will do is forgive, but I will not forget.

I will leave the door open and the light on like a good parent does when his young daughter goes out partying all night and comes back messed, used and abused in the morning.

For I love you, Miss Scorpion, in the most honest way,

Just as you loved me:

I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

I forgive you.

Your Adam,
SA